Jokes: By Stan wasike

On a flight from London to Nairobi the passengers were just settling in for the flight when the pilot announced that there was a crisis and that the plane was going down.
Three ladies, sitting next to each other started their preparations for the impending crash.
The first lady, quite attractive, started applying makeup and when asked by the other two why, she replied that rescuers always look for pretty victims to rescue first.
The second lady, very wealthy, started putting all her gold and diamond jewellery on and when asked why she replied that rescuers always look for the richest victims to rescue first.
The third lady, a kenyan, calmly lifted her dress and removed her panties. When asked why she replied that the other two were wrong in their assumptions and that rescuers always look for the "black box" first.

Jokes: By Stan wasike

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive

Jokes: By Stan wasike

A MAN WOKE HIS WIFE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TELLING
HER........................... .......

"Bibi eeh? Bibiye? 'Nashikwa na mkojo!!"

The wife said.............. "Salaalah! Si wende kwani
mpaka uniamshe???"

He said "HAYA BIBIYE!!" He came back saying again
"BIBIYE! BIBYE! Nataka nikuambie maneno ya ajabu!!"

Now angry for being woken up for the second time?..She
said "Salaala! Mwanamume kama hilo tembo huliwezi,
usilewe yakhe bwana!! Haya, kitu gani tena cha ajabu
ambacho hujaniambia wataka kuniambia tena?"

He said "Nilipokwenda chooni, nilipofungua mlango taa

ikawaka na nilipofunga mlango taa ikazimika
yenyewe....Si maajabu tena hayo!?!"

The wife sat up! & said "Mlanisi, shetwani mjukuu wa
Ibilisi Mshenzi weewee!!!!! Ushakojoa tena ndani ya
fridge!!!!!!"

Jokes: By Stan wasike

A Mzungu was touring Kenya with his wife and daughter, and he was rather proud for he thought he had mastered the local language, Swahili. They got thirsty and flocked to one of the pubs for a drink, having sat, he ordered drinks in Swahili; a waiter brought the drinks as ordered, but failed to pour them onto the glasses.

Furious the mzungu calls loudly for people to hear that he knows swahili.

He meant to ask the waiter to pour the drinks 4 the wife first, then
the daughter, and finally himself. "

"Waiter, kuja hapa. Tabia gani hii? Tia bibi kwanza, Tia mtoto, halafu
tia mimi nyuma''

Jokes: By Stan wasike

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well,
Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Jokes: By Stan wasike

Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Sydney.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking]]her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Jokes: By Stan wasike

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY

Jokes: By Stan wasike

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
ive for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Colin was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Colin,
"but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin "Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just
about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting
"Colin, wake up you drunk bastard, you are shitting in the bed!!

Jokes: By Stan wasike

Kamau comes up to the Ugandan border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Kamau.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Kamau overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Kamau, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Kamau.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Kamau, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally, Kamau doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Kampala in Uganda.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Kamau sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Jokes: By Stan wasike

Kalembe died and went to heaven.

When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that
new rules are in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order
to gain admittance each soul must answer two simple questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Kalembe thought for a few minutes and answered.

1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said,

'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'

Kalembe replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd, etc...'

Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.